Beard Hero #2 - Captain Birdseye

As has previously been discussed, the wearing of a beard is often indicative of an unwillingness to conform to social convention. Be it the public revelation of "uncool" hobbies like model railways or the partaking of an even more socially unacceptable hobby, like doing lots of murders (Harold Shipman/Peter Sutcliffe.)



One of the more unsung heroes of the 21st century remains largely unsung to this day due to the suspiscion and mistrust of him and his chosen vocation. A nation paralysed by fear of paedophiles saw a man on board a ship full of children as a bit, y'know, wierd. I think that prejudging a man like this is all a bit "Daily Mail," for all we are aware, it could have been a registered daycare facility where he and his staff were subject to full CRB checks and regular government inspections.


After his discharge from the navy, Captain Uriah Birdseye decided to set up an organisation designed to help a new generation of disadvantaged children learn the same life skills that a life at sea had taught him. A modern day Baden-Powell, Birdseye started an after school club on his boat "The Siberian Mongoose" moored off a marina in Padstow. He would also take large groups of children on residential trips where they would act as the "crew" on sailing voyages. "Birdseye's Boys" ran until 1984 when he started to include girls and the only alliterative term would have been "babes" or "birds" and neither were really appropriate so the name became "Captain Uriahs Nautical Training camp for Children." - He later decided to go back to his surname, Birdseye, after an exploration of possible acronyms.




The Project was a philanthropic organisation which relied on public donations and Birdseye often found it difficult to secure enough funding. These difficulties increased following the invention of paedophiles by "The Sun" newspaper in 1986. People no longer saw him as the nautical saint that he was and started to see him as a bit, y'know, wierd.


Luckily for him, one of his first children had become managing director of a frozen food company which shared a name with the cash-strapped sailor. The need of one Birdseye for money and a source of foodfor his juvenile charges was met by the need of another for a long running advertising campaign in which a friendly and recognizable face advocates the feeding of their products to kids. The modern face of Captain Birdseye was born. Many were critical of the move to do the series of adverts, part of the payment for which was Fish Fingers, although he was often quoted as saying "Well, Landlubber, the end justifies the means!"


The advertising relationship lasted for a long time and survived a brief spell where the captain was replaced by a beardless futuristc space captain, only to be reinstated following mass public outrage. These particular adverts have recently been revealed as the inspiration for the series "Torchwood."


Only now has Captain Birdseye gone the way of countless Milky Bar Kids, and he has been replaced by Suggs of all people!


Suggs! Sitting there with a family like he has just drifted in off the street and they haven't had the heart to ask him to leave. Babbling about Omega 3 as if fish fingers are a health food all of a sudden. He could be saying "mmm.. cyanide - it's good for you" with all the scientific authority he brings.


It is as if Birdseye (the frozen food company rather than the man) saw Kim Wilde in a Holland and Barrett advert peddling Cod liver oil by the gallon and equated 80's pop stars with health food.


YOU ARE NOT FOOLING ME SUGGS! YOU MAY HAVE MADE SOME CATCHY MUSIC THAT HAS SINCE BEEN MARRED BY THE WAY DRUNK BLOKES DANCE TO "BAGGY TROUSERS" AT WEDDINGS BUT THE TRUE FACE OF FISH FINGERS WILL ALWAYS BE A KINDLY SAILOR SURROUNDED BY HAPPY CHILDREN!


YOU CAN STICK YOUR OMEGA 3 UP YOUR A*SE YOU BEARDLESS BUFFOON!

The Plight of the Hirsute Chap

I have recently made the leap. As the tadpole grows legs on it's journey to frog-hood, or the caterpillar becomes a cocoon on the path to becoming a beautiful butterfly (or rubbish moth), I can feel myself on the cusp of going from "unshaven" to "bearded."

While I am still looked down upon by the bearded, I get weepy eyed looks of awe from those mentally or physically unable to achieve the nirvana-like state of beardedness. I am also witnessing the unspoken bond between the bearded gent, there are knowing looks between me and other beard wearers, the sly nod, the cheeky wink or the licked lips. I feel like I belong. I have also witnessed an unspoken hierarchy of the bearded; as a rule of thumb, the fuller the beard, the higher the standing. At the bottom of the pile are those with goatees or a simple moustache, although again length is often the determining factor - the variables are often beyond the comprehension of the shaved man.

The only time when conflict between the bearded becomes visible is where the hierarchy is blurred due to very similar styles and length. On occasions where two similar beards should meet, there are often hostilities with the new beard often rudely chased out with a put down about the way he is dressed or questions over whether or not he should be doing work. When the intruder has been dispatched, the victor can relax in the knowledge that the females in the area have not had their heads turned by the bearded interloper.

The camaraderie between men with beards is however questionable in it's purpose. Do they band together with a collective sense of superiority or is it more of a support network borne out of the fact that the bearded man faces prejudice and descrimination at every turn. To discover the truth I have given some thought to the obstacles facing the bearded man. I have discovered a few things that bearded men cannot do.

1) Be a convincing drag act. I have discovered that no amount of make up or corsets can turn a bearded man into a convincing lady. As a result, I have had to put my weekend job on hold until the competition permits me to shave again.

2) Eat and drink certain things with dignity. Chief culprits include Guiness, milk, soup and cake. The Guiness moustache will always require a hearty lip-suck or several, but the bearded chap will never be confident that it has all gone, even if he follows it up with a long face stroke. Crumbs will also cause a problem as they persistantly evade the face stroke, often simply being pushed deeper into the beard and while this will often render them invisible, they may attract mice or birds that may, upon discovery of a large crumb deposit, decide to nest there.

3) Be Camp. Now, I am not saying that beardedness and homosexuality cannot be joined. They can, I believe that a gay gentleman in posession of a full beard (particularly a husky one) is lovingly referred to as a "bear." However, imagine all your favourite camp personalities with a beard, go on, try. I cannot imagine them bearded (with the possible exception of a thin George Michael-esque goatee.) Everytime I have tried to mince around like Julian Clary, the beard takes over and before I know it I am swaggering around like John Wayne, talking about sexing ladies or punching men.

Something that three bear acquaintances have taught me is that Porridge is a much better breakfast than cereal with regards to unwanted beard deposits. However, should they have made the porridge too hot and decide to take a lesiurely walk until it cools, they are now sure to lock the door after a recent break-in.

To Beard or not to Beard!

Since embarking on my beard journey, many people have questioned why they should give me money not to shave. I am naturally unshaven by choice and it is as passive an activity as breathing or sitting on a chair, the hardship of my wearing of a beard does not seem to warrant support. To a certain extent, I agree. At this stage I do not feel I have earned anything, I have often gone for 10 days with out shaving, partly due to the fact that my rugged good looks are arguably enhanced by stubble but mainly due to apathy. The best is yet to come, I am in it for the long haul, I shall have a big beard, one that I could put in little beard pig tails or braid. When I am in danger of getting it caught in the shredder, that is when I will consider my beard complete. When the taunts from strangers change from "baldy!" or "gaylord!" to "oi! Gandalf!" that is when my work will be done!


It is my sad duty to report that the commitment of others is not as strong. A mere 10 days into our foray into competitive beard growing, my colleague and all round fat useless oxygen thief, Vijay Algoo has dropped out. In the first week he has shaved twice, and has now rescinded his commitment to growing a beard no matter how noble the cause. He says he did not like being unshaven showing an amazing level of vanity for somebody who has been labelled by many as "hideousness personified."


My own beard growing has become an important journey of self-discovery. I have started to realise what life must be like for the bearded, my studies are beginning to back up the theory that bearded men have an itchy but slightly warmer face (Nobel prize here I come!)


Things I have discovered so far.


1) At no point has it been possible to light matches on my face. Even when my stubble was at the coarsest stage, all I managed to achieve was to get a red mark on my jawline as I tried to light my cheroot. I did manage to light one across my teeth (you have to dry them first) but the resulting ignition caused some damage to my hair growth on the left side of my lip as I was reminded once again of the combustibility of hair.

2) The optimum stubble length for accessorising with a poncho is between 6-8 days.

3) In the first ten days, an informal survey of friends revealed I had "aged" between 8-10 years. With this in mind I am contemplating contacting that "10 years younger" programme and seeing if they can stretch me shaving to an hour.

4) You can get dandruff in your beard hair. I have been rather peturbed to discover that beard hair can also produce flaky skin deposits akin to dandruff. As this is obviously a skin complaint that would by definition only be experienced by men, I thought that "man-druff" would be a witty way of describing the unsightly phenomenon. Turns out "man-druff" is already something; something I will not be describing here as this is a family blog (you will have to wait for "Joe's Beard Growing Blog - In The City.") Suffice to say I would certainly not like to admit to having it on my face!

Beard Hero #1 - Brian Blessed

Many celebrities have, at one stage or another, worn a beard. Few have made beard ownership integral to their image. Those who have had the courage to do so, or simply an unsightly chin in need of coverage, are widely revered as the god like figures they truly are. Let us not forget that God himself most probably has a beard and Jesus certainly did.

And so my homage to the bearded celebrity begins with Sir (if he isn't he should be) Brian Blessed.

In a profession that requires your face to possess a certain level of versatility, the perenially bearded Brian Blessed is a rarity. An actor of tremendous note, his adherence to the bearded visage is admirable, there are few actors who can convince the audience that the character has a beard with such aplomb. While his roles have included the legendary (Prince Vultan in Flash Gordon) to the nondescript (Atticus in MacGyver: Lost Treasure of Atlantis) the beardedness of each role is above question.

His beard has precluded him from several roles however. The careers of many actors have benefited from the short sightedness of directors who could not envision the characters as bearded. Rumour has it that he was set to make the leap from musical theatre to screen by taking the role of Danny Zucco in Grease, after objections to his beard from Olivia Newton John, he was later dropped in favour of then "flavour of the month" (and notably unbearded) John Travolta. While he was offered the less prestigious role of Kenickie, but the whole incident had left him without any desire to take part in the project. The bad blood between Blessed and the pogonophobic* Newton John continued right up until a reconciliation after Blessed appeared as Luciano Pavarotti on Celebrity Stars in Their Eyes in 2004.

Brian Blessed - I salute you!

*pogonophobia - fear of beards.

Itchy stubble & a 1 in 50 encounter.

Today I ponder the logic of a diary documenting my beard growing experiences, so far my stubble has failed to raise a single eyebrow. When I have told people of my intentions they look at the full coverage of stubble and with a shrug label it "a good start" before moving on to a more interesting subject, like "look how nicely that paint is drying."



Over the first few days of growth it has been mostly very itchy. Thats it really, just itchy. Interestingly though I have been itchier than usual all over my body. This is probably psychosomatic, related to the scratching of my face. You know when you have an itchy back and you scratch it and then the itch moves til only the really bendy could reach it. The only fear this brings up is that having someone else scratch my back may be the only relief and as has already been discussed I am on the highway to hideousness - so who would want to touch me? The assertion from others that it may be a change in fabric softener relies somewhat on the misguided belief that I wash my clothes.



But wait, all is not lost. While I was faintly aware that apparently between 2-3% of women who are attracted to men with a full beard, my natural (and rather ungenerous) assumption was that these women exclusively fell within the much larger percentage of women who would perhaps be labelled "beggers" as in not "choosers." On Saturday I met one of the 2-3% (well I discovered that somebody I had already met was in this minority group). They actually exist! And blow me through, she is not the hideous monster I had imagined, rather a very attractive young woman (I hope you don't mind Cristyn) who would certainly not have to settle for some manner of bearded social reject.



She loves beards and, while I am yet to number among the bearded, that fills me with great joy.



Beard on friends!

Day 1 - A Close Shave!

As the time approached for my last shave I searched around for a sign - a sign that should indicate how my charity beardquest would go. As I trudged home on thursday, getting increasingly irritated by the impractical union of a million valetines bouquets and rush hour, it seemed as if I would not get the positive sign i had been hoping for. Hordes of clean shaven suited types were being gazed at lovingly by their identikit blonde girlfriends clutching their roses/balloons/novelty teddy bears with complete disregard for their proximity to the faces of people just trying to get home. The evidence seemed to support the findings of research i had conducted earlier in the day.

In an attempt to guage female opinion of beards I conducted a straw poll of women in my office, asking if they prefered men to be clean shaven or if they liked unshaven men. Of 20 respondants, the results were very close with 11 prefering a clean shaven man to 9 who prefered an unshaved gent (55% to 45%). What was slightly worrying for me as I embarked on my beard growing adventure was that nearly all the 9 who preferred an unshaven man clarified that they did not like a full beard. I also am given to understand that at least 2 of the nine may have responded differently should "women" have been identified as an alternative preference.

Then, amidst the fog of vomit-inducing, overly commercialised valentines "unpleasantness", that served only to confirm my fear that a beard may make me a pariah among women, I got my sign.

A man, a bearded man, a man with a giant beard and a waving mane blowing in the wind who looked for the world like Karl Marx (a resemblence that probably served to highlight his uniqueness, seeing as he was framed by everything that was wrong with capitalism.) I drew hope from him, not because he was flanked by women (he wasn't) but, while most of obviously lonely commuters regarded the odious public displays of affection around them with barely concealed disgust, he seemed not to notice anything at all. There was a serene aura of obliviousness around him, everything that was going on around him was of no interest to him, everything he cared about was in the magazine from which he would not remove his glinting eyes. It was a magazine entitled "Railway Modeller." He looked like a man who cared about one thing, the very singular activity of model railways, sure he was hideous to women and human contact was probably an alien a concept to him - but did he care? Well I am not sure, he may have done, but I would like to think he didn't. I mean "Railway Modeller" could have concealed a battered copy of "Barely legal" and he probably only had a beard to soak up the tears when he cries himself to sleep - but that is hardly a romantic image.

As I stared, longing him to see my unrepentant beard-lust and take me under his wing as some sort of model railway apprentice. I knew that I should follow his lead, the ultimate anarchist, a man for whom social convention is something that happens to other people, a man whose beard is a shield to the petty concerns of others a comforting cushion in which he withdraws to dream about model railways unmolested by the hobby-hindering side effects of friendship.

I now approach my bearded future without fear. Tonight I shave knowing that tomorrow I will be slightly more attractive to 55% of the women in my office.

Check out Railway modeller at http://www.peco-uk.com/Publications/RailwayM_this.htm

Growing for Gold!

I have tried to pinpoint the exact moment I decided to enter Mencap's beard growing competition. It seems that rather than consciously decide to enter, I rather unconsciously got swept along with the assumption that I would.



The aim seems simple, over the next 6 to 8 weeks or so, I will endeavour to grow the greatest beard possible. Possibly the greatest beard in the history of beards (possibly - who knows what surprises my face has in store.) I will also seek sponsorship for my beard efforts (I am trying to raise money after all.)



The point of this blog is to document my experiences as I make the transition from un-bearded to bearded gentleman. I see it as a social experiment to see exactly how different the world is to men with beards. See - a public service of sorts, sponsorship of this event will be akin to funding important research! You can donate at http://www.justgiving.com/joehamiltonsbeard . Do it now or do it later it is fine by me - but remember if you read my blog without donating at some point you are just the same as a thief.